Travel Therapy: Wise Words from Filippino Prisoners


I am absolutely in love with the Philippines. From the pristine beaches, to the lovely people and the many experiences available, it is certainly a number 1 to go visit- just don’t expect anything to be on time and you’ll be fine! 

I found out about an open prison in Palawan- an island in Philippines, where people could go visit and meet some of the prisoners. I jumped at this opportunity, as having completed my dissertation on Women In Prisons and previously worked for Fine Cell Work – a charity helping to rehabilitate prisoners through the art of needlework, I knew I had to see what prisoners in the Philippines were all about. 

The idea about Iwahig Prison is that the prisoners are there to work, whether it be on the rice fields, farming, building new developments or making furniture. They are allowed to roam free around the huge grounds but have to work for the majority of the day. All of these prisoners have been hand picked from Manila prison and had to go through rigorous testing in order to make it. Such as fitness, behaviour, mental health records from 3 professionals etc. 

Upon entering the prison grounds I was struck by how beautiful it was, lushus green rice fields, beautiful birds flying around and well made buildings. I saw inmates working away and all would smile as we drove by in our tuk tuk. I was almost pinching myself that I was technically in jail right then! 

Dropped off at the main entrance I heard backstreet boys coming from inside, as I walked into the room I saw a group of men all dancing a routine to I Want It That Way…. Quite an interesting sight considering these men looked pretty hard and with most of their bodies covered in tattoos! I wasn’t quite sure if I felt that these men were like performing monkeys or whether this was a creative way to raising money for their needs.  

Afterwards, dancer Jason (presumably he gave himself a Western name!) came over to me to show me the various things on sale that prisoners had made, all of which were extremely impressive. He told me that a percentage of the money made would go to the prisoners who desperately needed money to give to their families to visit, as they were often at least a flight away back in the capital Manila. The crimes within the prison ranged from high- life sentence prisoners, medium- 20 years or less and low- 5 years or less. They all lived separately depending on their category but would all work together during the day. He said this was great as gave them all a chance to integrate and learn to work together. 

He told me his dancing group was the best job to have! Everyday he gets to meet new people, so he never gets bored, and he very much enjoys seeing people smiling at his performance as it makes him feel like he is doing good for others! The only snag- they have to dance everyday from 6am-9pm whenever a new tourist enters, and as he is now a 40yr old man his back isn’t quite holding up, but he won’t let his place go! 

I chatted to Jason for a couple of hours, his story was indeed a harrowing one. Aged 14 living with his family in Manila, they got robbed by armed men, he and his father were shot after trying to defend their home. He awoke in hospital to find out his mother and sister were raped and murdered and his father never survived. A year later he took his revenge. He is now in prison for life, but he said that there was no life after what happened to his family…. He had the staple prison badge- 2 tear drop tattoos (for x2 murders) but had a very warm face- quite contrasting aspects! Jason asked lots of questions about me and then proceeded to give me some life advice – maybe he could sense I was in need of some!?

He told me the key in life is to forgive, not only others but yourself. To wake up everyday thankful that you’re alive and here, he looked at me and said I bet you don’t do that as it wouldn’t occur to you that you wouldn’t be alive- thinking about, he’s quite spot on! He said don’t be bitter. Fight what you can but know when to let go. My favourite- if a boy ever breaks your heart don’t let them see you cry! And his last advice: always have a smile, keeps you positive even if you don’t feel it! At that moment there I knew I had to soak up all his words because if a man jailed for life after seeing his family raped and murdered can be like this, then everyday I must make sure to wake up reminding myself to do the same… 

As I said goodbye he whispered to me to add him on FB, and then grinned saying he had an illegal phone in here and had used a fake name for his profile! Funny how social media can make even the hardest of men do silly things!!!

Il finish with a Video of the dancing Inmates! 

Advertisements

Travel Therapy: Capetonians


Coming from Namibia where my last post was about how open my peers were about mental health issues and anxieties; I was expecting not much difference with the people I would be meeting in Cape Town. This was an error on my part. 

The truth of the matter is that it is quite a taboo subject over there. Now I could try and hypothesis about the history of South Africa and the affect it has had on all its people. But I am no historian and fear I won’t do it justice. So I shall merely discuss the people I met and issues they faced. 

From a Londoner’s point of view living in Cape Town is the dream, you have the city, you have the mountains, the beach and the great partying. But there is certainly a dark shadow that casts over the city. When talking to friends I had met, they too were facing the everyday struggles and anxieties we face but on a different scale. It would seem as a male you are not supposed to talk of your inner trials and tribulations, it comes across as weak. And as a woman it comes across unattractive to feel low/depressed. It almost felt like everyone needed to have this outer shell that showed their mates they were totally carefree and fun. 

I had a friend who got such bad depression/anxiety he couldn’t even get into his car. So secretly his mum took him to the doctors. He saw a therapist for a while, but told no one, knowing that if he did he would be judged and that certainly wouldn’t help his deeply low feelings. 

Unfortunately this isn’t a lone story, I’ve had friends dealing with bereavement, breakups, unemployment and all have the same underlying issue, seeking help was almost tougher than having to deal with the issue itself. I was trying to wrack my brain to see how my fellow peers could change this, how they could all learn to be more open/ accepting of these issues. Then I saw a feature on tv about the caravan man! 

This guy, a psychology student, wanted to raise awareness of the situation young Capetonians face and wanted to offer help. So he drives around in his multi coloured caravan offering insight into the situation and free therapy sessions. Whilst I’m very aware one caravan will certainly not cover the number of people out there needing help, it is certainly a great kick start into tackling this situation. 

Personally, I love the idea of bright colours and bringing positive vibes to people. Who knows I could be coming to an area near you with my multi coloured van! 

Travel Therapy: Namibia Part 2- How The Other Half Live

Continuing upon my 3 week tour, I had the pleasure of meeting young like minded Namibians along the way. We all sat around, joked, drank and shared cool music from our countries. When the conversation turned to more serious matters (yes by me!) I was quite surprised with what I found. 

I guess what initially struck me was the very apparent disparity between the haves and have nots. As per my last post – without an offering of a welfare system, the poor people have limited to no help with mental health issues. However, with my new friends I discovered any kind of therapy they needed was right there to be experienced for a certain price of course. I thought being a third world country they may not have access to CBT, NLP or any other dynamic approach to psychotherapy, I was wrong. There were many trained therapists in Namibia. 

But what they all seemed to share was the apparent speed in which they had been prescribed anti-depressants. My first question was to ask why a lot of them needed/wanted to go to therapy in the first place. Funnily enough, it was similar reasons to my fellow peers in the UK- anxiety with what to do in life, depressed about who they were, too much recreational drug use and just an overwhelming question of who they were and where they fitted in. 

I understand there is certainly a place for anti-depressants, and indeed have some friends who have needed them. But to be sat in a group and told about the frequency of how many times they have been prescribed meds, seemed a bit odd to me. 

It was clear the majority of them felt the anti-depressants were turning them into zombies and not actually solving their issues. Instead, they’ve learnt to talk to each other. This includes men, I could be making a generalisation here but I would go so far as to say that Namibian men (of a certain background) are a lot more content about sharing their feelings, being open and asking each other for help. Indeed aside from that, what I found totally refreshing was how open both men and women were to these kinds of topics; I even witnessed how healing it was to be in a large group where everyone felt comfortable enough to share their thoughts. 

This is something I shall try to bring back to the UK with me. So be ready everyone – group sharing shall be coming to a place near you soon ūüė¨

Travel Therapy: 1st Country – Namibia, Part 1.

gender-symbols-earth-background-big-crack-gap-concept-78608158

January 2017 saw the start of my world travels for 4 months, ok I say world, I mean 3 continents! I had many aims for these travels, self development and cultural growth to name a couple. But I also wanted to expand upon the Psychotherapy Course I undertook last year in London. What I really wanted to find out was how other countries dealt with mental health issues, addictions and whether having a therapist was as fashionable as it is in the UK & USA. Apart from simply learning, I also wanted to see if there were any techniques other countries used that could potentially be brought back to the UK, to form a new dynamic approach Рmaybe the Pasc Approach?!

My first stop was Namibia, and I was fortunate to be staying with a lady who introduced me to a great charity out there: Sister Namibia.¬†Here they explained the biggest issue the country faces is with GBV (Gender Based Violence). This is the root cause for the majority of crimes, depression and death. The charity has found that the majority of GBV is due to the fact that men are depressed that women are becoming more equal in education and jobs, which in turn gives them more life choice. Domestic abuse, rape and murder all occur at the hands of men who cannot grasp the understanding that it is good for there to be equality and that it doesn’t make them any less of a man.

Charities such as Sister Namibia, but also a movement called MenEngage are the helping hands this issue needs. MenEngage seek to educate men about gender equality, their mission statement is for Equality to not be seen as taking power away from men, but to empower women. They offer counselling services; programmes and training which address behaviour change. These are invaluable and have clear results in reducing the crime levels of GBV.

As there is no NHS in Namibia, there certainly isn’t free therapy on hand, which is hard to see given¬†such levels of depression in men and extreme damaging affects on women. I did come across one charity which offers free psychological therapy, Regain Trust. Here they offer individual and group counselling sessions with expert psychotherapists, and hold 4 month workshops to empower women and give them the ability to speak up.

What is clear from the work these charities do, is that psychotherapy and counselling techniques are the way forward in helping to combat these issues. Whilst I often find many flaws with our health care system in the UK, I shall count myself lucky that we have any help at all. However, it does also show that we need to continue being at the forefront of this profession and lead the way for the rest of the world.

QT: How Many Dates Should You Have Before You Do The Deed?

kiss-361931

Question Time: The age old question of how long one should wait until you¬†seal the deal. If you¬†do it too quickly will¬†you¬†look too easy, will the guy be put off, will he simply dump and run? But also a lady has needs too, and it’s hardly like we are expected to be virgins before we marry. So what is the right answer that will give you what you need and also help you keep your man?

Some people say after 3 dates the acceptable time arises. Others say they prefer to do every base apart from sex for at least 8 dates!

Answer: You must¬†look at it in 2 ways. Firstly, if you know you’re one of those girls who bones and falls in love immediately (slash becomes obsessive and crazy jealous) then you must hold off, in fact don’t invest your time in a man, buy a vibrator, much easier for you emotionally.

For the rest of us, I would say 3 dates is the perfect time. The fact is, you can really get on well with someone, but if there isn’t any sexual chemistry then you need to know sooner rather than later. Every lady has needs, and they need to be met, we aren’t just some holes for them to enjoy themselves with. In terms of going down, that’s more a relationship vibe, lord knows where he was the night before and you’re considering putting your mouth around it??? NO NO NO, Genital Warts + Mouth = ruined for life!

Lesson to Learn: Know yourself well enough to know what you can handle, if once you have sex you expect to marry the guy, then you wait (or perhaps see a therapist because hunni it sounds like you’re a bunny boiler), however if you’re more aware and wanting your own needs met, then crack on, sex first, rest comes later.

QT: How Do I Make It More Serious With Him Without Actually Having To Ask?

chess-board-9701369

Question Time: You’ve been dating this guy for a while now, you both seem equally into each other, but he hasn’t made that next step to make things more official. Does he see this as just a bit of fun?¬†Is he still dating others? How do you find out where you stand without having to embarrass yourself and ask directly?

Answer: You never want to show your cards first, in fact with men the best way to get what you want is to be as indirect as humanly possible, but still lead the situation. So Get To Work!

First off you must continue the ‘cool, sexy, fun girl’ attitude, don’t start getting all clingy or moody, that certainly isn’t going to help trap him down. Then after a mind blowing night of fun, you check your phone in the morning and giggle to yourself. Turn to him pretending to look slightly awkward, and say that this guy has just messaged you wanting to take you out. You in fact aren’t that interested and you’re really enjoying your time with him, but you don’t want to put all your eggs into one basket, and if he isn’t on the same wave length that’s fine, you just wanted to make sure you weren’t being unfair to him as that isn’t your style.

Like clock work, the simmer of jealousy will turn to the boil, no way does he want someone else taking you on, especially after the night you just gave him. And voila, you have both just agreed to be exclusive.

Lesson To Learn: Don’t ask for what you want,¬†men are like chess pieces, if you move them around appropriately you will not only end up winning but also still manage to keep that cool, chilled girl persona you worked so hard to build.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

QT: I’ve Met Him Through A Dating App, Will People Judge Me If I Tell The Truth?

virtual-love-14098311

Question Time: You’ve met one of the dreamiest men and things are going pretty strong. However, the more you take him to mates parties the more the question arises of ‘soooooo how did you meet?’ You think that everyone will judge you for not being able to get a man the good old fashion way. Doesn’t online dating wreak of desperation? Surely there’s something wrong with you? ¬†Do you come up with a lie to satisfy their needs of knowing, or tell the truth and risk everyone disowning you as a friend?

Answer: If your mates are that shallow, then the question should really be: should I sack¬†them as mates??? Fact is, society has changed greatly and everything is online;¬†we shouldn’t be ashamed of it, in fact people who can’t use digital should be disowned and sent back to the ice ages. What’s the difference between meeting someone online and meeting someone when you’re completely wasted at a party, surely the online one is better as at least you’re making a sober decision?

Lesson To Learn: If anyone chucks it at you about online dating, you simply ask them ‘oh were you kept up all night by your man¬†too? Oh no you didn’t, shame, guess that’s what happens when you go for boring men¬†to simply fit into the group…. At least with my one, we know we have the same passions (in and out of bed).

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

QT: How To Deal With His Ex?

love-triangle-illustration-three-people-its-center-50129651

Question Time: You’re¬†happy &¬†settled in your relationship, you’re safe in the knowledge that no one new could sway either of you. But then up pops his ex… She is messaging him all the time, drunk calling him and somehow wherever you both are she just happens to be too. He swears he isn’t interested and that she is just trying to be friendly. But why now, you’ve been with him for months and she¬†wasn’t around before?

You have 2 ways to go with this, you tell him to stop being in contact with her, but then you seem like a jealous crazy lady, or you let them continue and hope he comes to his senses?

Tip: No one likes a¬†psycho b*tch, the more you react to this, the more chances she has of worming her way back in. This is the moment you check yourself, check your relationship and check your head. Let her crack on, he’s waking up with you every¬†morning, not her. Be sweetness and light when you see her, let them catch up and have a smile on your face when they do. They broke up for a reason and now he is with you, and who could compete with how you satisfy him…

Lesson to Learn: Don’t fall into the trap, be the cool chilled girlfriend he likes, and maybe if you find yourself in the loo with her quietly lock her in the¬†cubicle, then take your boyfriend and go.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

QT: I’m Crippled By Anxieties. How Do I Get Rid?

anxiety-17745420

Question Time: How do you stop letting these anxious feelings enter your brain. They can be anything from worrying that a guy¬†hasn’t replied to your messages, or to a drastic fear of being stuck in life when everyone else seems set.¬†It can take form in a shortness of breath, almost like you have forgotten to breathe; to heart palpitations, trembling and nausea, it may leave you feeling unreal and detached from your surroundings.

Tips: The problem is that everyone has different anxieties so trying to find a universal remedy is near on impossible. Here are a few ideas that have helped me:

  • First thing is to accept that you are having an anxious episode, so you aren’t panicked about what is happening to you, you are fully aware of it and can face it straight on.
  • Waking up every morning and giving yourself 10 minutes of meditating, to clear your mind and to meditate positive thoughts. Tips on meditating.
  • Practising the here and now. Being Present in the room, not letting your mind wander off. Good exercise to try.
  • Write down at that current moment everything your mind is chucking at you. Don’t analyse it there and then, go back to it when you’re not having an attack. You can then dissect it and try to figure out what is an actual problem and what is a crazy brain problem.
  • Talk to mates, let them know your situation, most likely they¬†have had similar issues. Makes it nicer to know you’re not such a freak.
  • Lastly, if it still persists (sometimes it can just be a temporary phase) then I suggest going to see someone to help you figure out your inner issues. Different Therapies.

Lesson to Learn: Being anxious sucks ass. You feel lonely, scared and almost like you should be locked up. Most of us go through it at some point, be open with it, understand it and know that you can and will change it.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Not Meeting Anyone New??

Love London

It’s got to that time in life, where you’re juggling work, mates, family, hangovers and quite simply you’re not doing anything new or cool to meet new people, more importantly to meet new lovers. Same old shit just a different day. You waste time bitching that you’re stuck in a rut but yet don’t actually do anything to get out of it.

It’s all very well us being SO busy, our diaries are just SO booked up and there’s never enough time to see mates. Well there’s simple ways around this.

  1. Introduce your mates to each other, so when you need to see them and catch up you can do it en mass, taking up just one of your precious evenings not the whole week.
  2. Round the troops, not the boring troops, the ones you know who are up for anything single or taken.
  3. Bring cool ideas to the table, if you’re a Westsider jet¬†off to East and grab¬†some edgy shit. If you’re a Southerner bring the team North and find some hidden door to a mysterious bar where no one is cool but everyone thinks they’re cool and get it on.
  4. Realise you live in one of the coolest cities, and to say you’re bored in it, deserves a slap.

Lesson to Learn: This is our hay day, our moment, the time we can fuck it and be free, so what you waiting for….

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.